Computer Humor
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Corny Jokes
Lawyer Jokes
Those Scotsmen
Murphy Strikes Again
Are You a Glaswegian
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Bad Verse



Food that Bites
Facts - Perhaps?
Robbie Burns
Scottishy Things
Words can be cool


The art of creating Corny Jokes is underrated

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet...... "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"

"Well," says the vet, "Let's have a look at him." So he picks the dog up by its ears & has a good look at its eyes.

"Well," says the vet, "I'm going to have to put him down."

"Because he's cross-eyed?"

"No, because he's very heavy."


A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in here."


A jump-lead walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."


A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: "Pint please, and one for the road."


Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"


Man with a strawberry stuck up his bum goes to the doc. Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."


Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I think I've lost an electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..

On my way to work today , passed a really sad looking AA man in his van ... - Thought to myself " That man is on his way to a breakdown!

Hedgehogs - - Why can't they just share the hedge.

Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese.
And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them.
It's either my mum or my dad.
Or my older brother Colin.
Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu.
But I think it's Colin.

I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 bucks that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. And he said, 'no, the steaks are too high.'|

A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".|

Nelson Mandela

The great man is sitting at home watching the telly when he hears a knock at the door. When he opens it, he is confronted by a little Japanese man, clutching a clipboard and yelling, "You sign, you sign!". Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts. Nelson is standing there in complete amazement when the Japanese man starts to yell louder. "You sign! You sign!". Nelson says to him, "Look mate, you've obviously got the wrong bloke. Get lost!", and shuts the door in the Japanese man's face.

The next day he hears a knock at the door again. When he opens it, the little Japanese man is back, with a huge truck full of brake pads. He thrusts his clipboard under Nelson's nose, yelling "You sign! You sign!". Mr Mandela is getting a bit hacked off by now, so he shoves the little Japanese man back, shouting: "Look, get lost!! You've got the wrong bloke! I don't want them!" then slams the door in the Japanese man's face again.

The following day Nelson is resting, and late in the afternoon he hears a knock on the door again. Upon opening the door, the little Japanese man thrusts the same clipboard under his nose, shouting "You sign! You sign!". Behind him are TWO large trucks full of wing mirrors. Nelson loses his temper completely, picks the little man up by his shirt front and yells at him, "Look, I don't want these! Do you understand? You must have the wrong man! Who do you want to give these to?" The little Japanese man looks at him a bit puzzled, consults his clipboard, and says: "You not Nissan Maindealer?"|

Two robbers broke out in the bank, one of them pointing the gun to the cashier said, "Give me all your money, or you'll be GEOGRAPHY!" The cashier laughed and said, "You mean to say 'HISTORY.'" The robber answered, "Don't change the subject." 

The medical student was shocked when he received a failing grade in radiology. Approaching the professor, he demanded to know the reason for the grade. "You know the self X-ray you took?" asked the professor. "I do." said the student. "A fine picture," the professor said, "of your lungs, stomach, and liver." "If it's a fine picture, then why did you give me an F?" asked the student "I had no choice," said the professor. "You didn't put your heart in it."|

A policeman pulled a female driver over and asked to see her license. After looking it over, he said to her, "Lady, it stipulates here on your license that you should be wearing glasses." "Well, I have contacts," the woman replied. "Look lady, I don't care who you know," snapped the officer. "You're getting a ticket."

1. Phone answering machine message - "...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key..."

2. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

3. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

4. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

5. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in..

6. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".

7. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.

8. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

9. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

10. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."

11. "Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home." "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. " "Is it common? " "It's not unusual."

12. "You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."

13. Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside." "How's that?" "Don't you start."

14. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!

15. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

16. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'

17. A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in several places" The doctor said, "Well don't go there any more

This guy was lonely and so he decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet. 

After some discussion, he finally bought a centipede (100-legged  crawler), which came in a little white box to use for his house. 

 He took the box back home, found a good location for the box, and  decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the bar to have a drink. 

 So he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to Frank's with me and have a beer?" But there was no answer from his new pet. This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again, "How about going to the bar and having a drink with me?" 

 But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation. He decided to ask him one more time; this time putting his face up against the centipede's house and shouting, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to Frank's place and  have a drink with me? 
 Scroll down!!!!!!!!!!!!! YOU ARE GOING TO LOVE THIS! 





 A little voice came out of the box:........... 




 "I heard you the first time! I'm putting on my flipping shoes!." 

Word Play

  1. Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine.
  2. A backward poet writes inverse.
  3. A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
  4. Dijon vu: the same mustard as before.
  5. Practice safe eating - always use condiments.
  6. Shotgun wedding: a case of wife or death.
  7. A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.
  8. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
  9. Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
  10. Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
  11. Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
  12. Reading while sunbathing makes you well-red.
  13. When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
  14. A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired.
  15. What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway.)
  16. Time flies like an arrow.  Fruit flies like a banana.
  17. In democracy, your vote counts. In feudalism, your count votes.
  18. She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.
  19. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
  20. If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.
  21. With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
  22. When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
  23. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
  24. You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
  25. Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
  26. He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
  27. Every calendar's days are numbered.
  28. A lot of money is tainted: It taint yours and it taint mine.
  29. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
  30. He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
  31. A plateau is a high form of flattery.
  32. A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large.
  33. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
  34. Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.
  35. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.
  36. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
  37. Acupuncture is a jab well done


A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back. Oh my, I am so sorry, " the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you, " she says.

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens. 

After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed! ! Everything had been SO incredible! !! !

"You know, " he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet? " 
"No," she replies. . . . . . 




Wait for it. . 






It's coming. . .







She says: 






"You just happened to catch my eye."

Two ferocious cannibal chiefs sat licking their fingers after a largemeal. "Your wife makes a delicious roast," one chief said. "Thanks,"his friend said, "I'm gonna miss her" **

So this mushroom walks into a bar and sits down. The mushroom says, "Hey bartender! Can I get a drink?" The bartender says, "Sorry man, we dont serve your kind around here." The mushroom replies, "What man? Im a FUN GUY!" **


A new nurse listened while Dr. Blake was yelling, "Typhoid! Tetanus! Measles!"

 The new nurse asked another nurse, "Why is he doing that?" The other nurse replied, "Oh, he just likes to call the shots around here."

"I called the spiritual leader of Tibet - he sent me a big goat with a long neck. Turns out I'd phoned Dial-A-Llama."

How long was I in the army? Five foot eleven. -- Spike Milligan


Thanks to everyone who sent in a "funny"

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What is so beneficial to the people as liberty, which we see not only to be greedily sought after by men, but also by beasts, and to be preferred to all things. Cicero (B.C. 106-43)