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Kid's stuff - Those Scotsmen - Murphy strikes again - Not just the kids - Children in Church - Medical - Insults Malpractise - Alien Abduction - They wish they hadn't said it - Verse - Lawyers - Everybody, Somebody and Nobody - In the Office - OK an Irish joke - or two - In Court - Silly headlines - MENSA Test - The best candidates for surgeryToilet humor - Divorce - Inner Strength - Accountants - Letter to my Bank Manager - Are you Glaswegian - The Indian Student

Some Oneliners

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that 2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.

The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death.

Did you hear about the fat alcoholic transvestite? All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary.

I've just had a letter back from Screwfix. They said they regretted to inform me that they're not actually a dating agency.

Spent £40 on eBay last week for a penis enlarger. Just opened it and some bugger's sent me a magnifying glass!

I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed. At first I was afraid.......then I was petrified.

What's the difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman? One's a superhero and the other is an instruction.

A wife says to her husband you're always pushing me around and talking behind my back. He says what do you expect? You're in a wheel chair.

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said I would like to come back as a cow. I said your obviously not listening.

Doctors have just identified a food that can cause grief and suffering for years after it's been eaten. It's called a wedding cake.

I was in the pub with my wife last night and I said I love you. She said is that you or the beer talking ? I replied it's me talking to the beer.

The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.

The Indian Student

It was the first day of a school in USA and a new Indian student named
Chandrasekhar Subramanian entered the fourth grade.

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American History.. Who said "Give me Liberty , or give me Death"?

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Chandrasekhar, who had his hand up:
"Patrick Henry, 1775"he said.

"Very good! "Who said "Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth?" Again, no response except from Chandrasekhar. "Abraham Lincoln, 1863" said Chandrasekhar.

The teacher snapped at the class,"Class, you should be ashamed. Chandrasekhar, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do."

She heard a loud whisper: "*@€%&*! the Indians,"

"Who said that?" she demanded. Chandrasekhar put his hand up. "General Custer, 1862."

At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke."

The teacher glares around and asks "All right! Now, who said that?"

Again, Chandrasekhar says, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister,
1991. "Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? Suck this!"

Chandrasekhar jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher ,"Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"

Now with almost mob hysteria someone said "You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you."

Chandrasekhar frantically yells at the top of his voice, " Michael Jackson to the child witnesses testifying against him- 2004."

The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around the teacher on
the floor, someone said,"Oh shit, we're *@€%&*!"

And Chandrasekhar said quietly, I think it was George Bush, Iraq , 2007.

Time for Austerity

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbor.

Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you £800 to drop that towel." After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her the £800 and leaves.

The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.

When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?"

"It was Bob the next door neighbour," she replies.

"Great!" the husband says, "Did he say anything about the £800 he owes me?"

Moral of the story:

If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

JUST ABOUT SUMS THINGS UP.......

London 11th August - A public school teacher was arrested today at Gatwick Airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square, a slide rule, and a calculator.

At a morning press conference, the Home Secretary said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-gebra movement. He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the Met Police with carrying weapons of maths instruction. "Al-gebra is a problem for us," Reid said. "They desire solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of absolute values. They use secret code names like 'x` and `y` and refer to themselves as `unknowns,` but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with co-ordinates in every country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, "There are 3 sides to every triangle".

When asked to comment on the arrest, The British Prime Minister , speaking from his holiday resort before the planes stopped flying, said, "If God had wanted us to have better Weapons of Maths Instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes."

Lawrence Livermore Labs Discover New Element!

PRESS - FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

The heaviest element known to science was discovered several months ago and then studied by physicists at Lawrence Livermore National Laboratories.

The element, named Administratium, by it's co-discoverers Dr. James F. Cabinet and Dr. Fi Ling Drawer has been defined to have no protons or electrons and thus has an atomic number of 0. However, it does have one neutron, 125 assistant neutrons, 75 vice neutrons, and 111 assistant vice neutron, giving it an atomic mass of 312. These particles are held together in a nucleus by a force that involves the continuous exchange of meson-like particles, called morons.

Since it has no electrons, Administratium is inert. However, it can be detected chemically, since it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact.

According to the discoverers (now employed by IBM), a minute amount of Administratium caused one reaction to take over four days to complete when it normally would occur in less than a 1 second and reduced yield by 75%. The article was submitted to "The Journal of Science" but was rejected due to administrative regulations.

Administratium has a normal half life of approximately three years at which time it does not actually decay, but instead, it undergoes a reorganization in which the assistant neutrons, vice neutrons, and assistant vice neutrons exchange quantum energy states. Some studies tend to indicate that the atomic weight might actually increases with each reorganization. Sometimes the neutron sucks up all the reaction and then disintegrates; one of the lesser neutrons takes its place. This requires the loss of another reaction to increase the neutron's energy state. The results of definitive experiments are under administrative review at this time and can not be published.

Research at other laboratories indicates that Administratium occurs naturally. It tends to self-generate most often in statistically significant concentrations at universities and then concentrate at certain points, such as government agencies, large computer or aerospace corporations, and formerly disintegrated neutrons generally tend to reintegrate with tenure at universities, and can usually be found in the newest, best maintained buildings.

Scientists point out that Administratium is known to be toxic at any level of concentration and can easily destroy any productive reaction when it accumulates.

Frantic attempts are being made to prevent irreversible damage, but results to-date are not promising. Attempts to control it simply cause more Administratium to be made. Additionally, any attempts to ignore Administratium tend to rapidly accelerate its creation. -- Bill McCaslin

~ ~ ~

Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar.
One says, "I think I've lost an electron."
The other says, "Are you sure?"
The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."

VIRUS WARNING

There is a dangerous virus being passed electronically, orally and by hand.

This virus is called Worm-Overload-Recreational-Killer (WORK). If you receive WORK from any of your colleagues, your boss or anyone else via any means DO NOT TOUCH IT. This virus will wipe out your private life completely.

If you should come into contact with WORK put your jacket on and take 2 good friends to the nearest pub or bottle shop.

Purchase the antidote

known as Work-Isolator-Neutralizer-Extractor (WINE).

The quickest acting WINE type is called

Swift-Hitting-Infiltrator-Remover-All-Zones (SHIRAZ) but this is only available for those who can afford it. The next best equivalent is Cheapest-Available-System-Killer (CASK). Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.

Forward this warning to 5 friends. If you do not have 5 friends, you have already been infected and WORK is controlling your life. This virus is DEADLY (Destroys -Every-Available-Decent-Living-Youngster).

Update (last Monday): After extensive testing it has been concluded that
Best-Equivalent-Extractor-Remedy (BEER) may be substituted for WINE but may require a more generous application.

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

Why did the Chicken cross the road? 

SAEED AL SAHAF - Iraqi Head of Information The chicken did not cross the road. This is a complete fabrication. We do not even have a chicken. 

GEORGE W BUSH We don't care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either for us or against us. There is no middle ground. 

COLIN POWELL Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road. 

TONY BLAIR I agree with George. 

HANS BLIX We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road. 

DR SEUSS Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told. 

MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question. 

GRANDPA In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough. 

TRICIA Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart-warming story of how it experienced a serious case of moulting, and went on to accomplish its dream of crossing the road. 

JOHN LENNON Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together - in peace. 

ARISTOTLE It is the nature of chickens to cross the road. 

KARL MARX It was an historic inevitability. 

RONALD REAGAN What chicken? 

SIGMUND FREUD The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity. 

BILL GATES eChicken2005 will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, balance your checkbook - and internet explorer is an integral part of eChicken. 

ALBERT EINSTEIN Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken? 

BILL CLINTON What is your definition of chicken? 

THE BIBLE And God came down from heaven, and he said unto the chicken 

THOU SHALT CROSS THE ROAD. And the chicken didst cross the road, and there was rejoicing. 

COLONEL SANDERS Did I miss one? 

HOMER SIMPSON Mmmmmmmmm . . . . c h i c k e n 

~ ~ ~

The Accent

At the dinner table, the Ambassador's wife was talking with Madame Chrétien; "Your husband has been such a prominent public figure, such a presence on the international scene for so many years! How quiet retirement will seem in comparison. What are you most looking forward to in these retirement years?" "A penis" replied Madame Aline Chrétien. A hush fell over the table. Everyone heard her answer... and no one knew what to say next. Le Grand Jean leaned over to his wife and said, "Mon petit chou, in Hinglish dey pronounce dat word, 'appiness!'

~ ~ ~

The American

The only seat available on the train was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged French woman and the seat was being used by her dog. A weary American traveller asked, "Ma'am, please move your dog. I need that seat."

The French woman looked down her nose at the American, sniffed and said, "You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my little FiFi is using that seat."

The American walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, he found himself again facing the woman with the dog. Again he asked, "Please, lady. May I sit there? I'm very tired."

The French woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant. Imagine!"

The American didn't say anything else. He leaned over, picked up the dog, tossed it out the open window of the train and sat down in the empty seat. The woman shrieked and railed, demanding that someone defend her honor and chastise the American.

An elderly Englishman sitting across the aisle spoke up indignantly, "Sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing daft things. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, Sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out the window."

~ ~ ~

Listen to the kids - they know useful stuff. Share your offspring's funnies with our readers:- 

Txt message re Gerbil

Hi guys - Here's a genuine txt message I received from a friend last week:

Sam - badminton racquet - gerbil - not good Sam is his son of just under 4 years old... Made me smile anyway - Allan  White

~ ~ ~

Never trust a dog to watch your food. Patrick, Age 10

When you want something expensive, ask your grandparents. Matthew, Age 12

Never smart off to a teacher whose eyes and ears are twitching. Andrew, Age 9

Wear a hat when feeding seagulls. Rocky, Age 9

Sleep in your clothes so you'll be dressed in the morning. Stephanie, Age 8

Never try to hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk. Rosemary, Age 7

Don't flush the toilet when you dad's in the shower. Lamar, Age 10

Never ask for anything that costs more than five dollars when your parents are doing taxes. Carrol, Age 9

Never bug a pregnant mom. Nicholas, Age 11

Don't ever be too full for dessert. Kelly, Age 10

When your dad is mad and asks you, "Do I look stupid?" don't answer him. Heather, Age 16

Never tell your mom her diet's not working. Michael, Age 14

Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat. Joel, Age 12

When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom when she's on the phone. Alyesha, Age 13

Never try to baptize a cat. Laura, Age 13

Never spit when on a roller coaster. Scott, Age 11

Never do pranks at a police station. Sam, Age 10

Never tell your little brother that you're not going to do what your mom told you to do. Hank, Age 12

Remember you're never too old to hold your father's hand. Molly, Age 11

Listen to your brain. It has lots of information. Chelsey, Age 7

Stay away from prunes. Randy, Age 9

Never dare your little brother to paint the family car. Phillip, Age 13

Forget the cake, go for the icing. Cynthia, Age 8

Don't listen to me when I talk to you. Kelsey, Age 3

Should children witness childbirth?

Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call. The house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-yr old girl to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby.

Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked. Heidi pushed and pushed and after a little while, Connor was born.

The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry. The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-yr old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.

Kathleen quickly responded, 'He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place, smack his ass again!'

<<<>>>

CHILDREN IN CHURCH

A little child in church for the first time watched as the ushers passed the offering plates. When they neared the pew where he sat, the youngster piped up so that everyone could hear: "Don't pay for me Daddy, I'm under five." 

A little boy was attending his first wedding. After the service, his cousin asked him, "How many women can a man marry?" "Sixteen," the boy responded. His cousin was amazed that he had an answer so quickly. "How do you know that?" "Easy," the little boy said. "All you have to do is add it up, like the Bishop said: 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer." 

 After a church service on Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly announced to his mother, "Mom, I've decided to become a minister when I grow up." "That's okay with us, but what made you decide that?" "Well," said the little boy, "I have to go to church on Sunday anyway, and I figure it will be more fun to stand up and yell, than to sit and listen."

 A 6-year-old was overheard reciting the Lord's Prayer at a church service: "And forgive us our trash passes, as we forgive those who passed trash against us."

  A boy was watching his father, a pastor, write a sermon." How do you know what to say?" he asked. "Why, God tells me", the father replied. "Oh, then why do you keep crossing things out?" 

 A little girl became restless as the preacher's sermon dragged on and on. Finally, she leaned over to her mother and whispered, "Mommy, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?"  

After the christening of his baby brother in church, little Johnny sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong. Finally, the boy replied, "That priest said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I want to stay with you guys!" 

 Terri asked her Sunday School class to draw pictures of their favorite Bible stories. She was puzzled by Kyle's picture, which showed four people on an airplane, so she asked him which story it was meant to represent. "The flight to Egypt," said Kyle. "I see ... And that must be Mary, Joseph, and Baby Jesus," Ms. Terri said. "But who's the fourth person?" "Oh, that's Pontius - the Pilot.  

The Sunday School Teacher asks, "Now, Johnny, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?" "No sir," little Johnny replies, "I don't have to. My Mom is a good cook." 

 A college drama group presented a play in which one character would stand on a trap door and announce, "I descend into hell!" A stagehand below would then pull a rope, the trapdoor would open, and the character would plunge through. The play was well received. One day the actor playing the part became ill, and another actor who was quite overweight took his place. When the new actor announced, "I descend into hell!" the stagehand pulled the rope, and the actor began his plunge, but became hopelessly stuck. No amount of tugging on the rope could make him descend. One student in the balcony jumped up and yelled: "Hallelujah! Hell is full!" 

 Pastor Dave Charlton tells us, "After a worship service at First Baptist Church in Newcastle, Kentucky, a mother with a fidgety seven-year old boy told how she finally got her son to sit still and be quiet. About halfway through the sermon, she leaned over and whispered, 'If you don't be quiet, Pastor Charlton is going to lose his place and will have to start his sermon all over again!' It worked." 

 A little girl was sitting on her grandfather's lap as he read her a bedtime story. From time to time, she would take her eyes off the book and reach up to touch his wrinkled cheek. She was alternately stroking her own cheek, then his again. Finally she spoke up, "Grandpa, did God make you?" "Yes, sweetheart," he answered, "God made me a long time ago." "Oh," she paused, "Grandpa, did God make me too?" "Yes, indeed, honey," he said, "God made you just a little while ago." Feeling their respective faces again, she observed, "God's getting better at it, isn't he?"

MORE KIDS IN CHURCH

Good Point... 
"If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into Heaven?" I asked the children in my Sunday School class.

"NO!" the children all answered.

"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven?"

Again, the answer was, "NO!"

"Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children, and loved my wife, would that get me into Heaven?" I asked them again.

Again, they all answered, "NO!"

"Well, I continued, "then how can I get into Heaven?"

A five-year-old boy shouted out, "YOU GOTTA be dead!"

~ ~ ~

Kids in 'The Kirk

I was raised in a strict PCA (Presbyterian Church of America) church  home. As a child I heard this joke: Q "Why are Presbyterians opposed to pre-marital sex?" A "It leads to dancing." Now this was when I was  quite young. So surely you understand a child of nine years in 1954 might be confused a bit. 

Our family attended the funeral of a friend who was PCUSA (Presbyterian Church of the United States of America), IMHO a sadly deluded liberal faction. One of the hymns they sang and we did not sing had this line, "gladly the cross I'd bear." As a child I heard that as "Gladly the  Cross Eyed Bear." On the way home I enquired of my grandmother why we were singing about a Bear in church. She asked more and I explained, "Isn't church to help us see? Why are we singing about a Bear who is glad he  can't see?" 

In those years ladies wore girdles and corsets. They were universally referred to as a "Foundation." But I didn't know that at the time. One morning in church I made what I thought was an important connection;  recall I'm nine years old. We sang a song that had this line, "The Church's  one foundation is Jesus Christ our Lord." On the way home on that hot  summer day and many times before my grandmother remarked, "Whew! I can't wait  to get home and get my foundation off!" I asked, "Why do we go to church  to get our foundation and then come home and take it off?" Subsequent to that revelation I was introduced to the mysteries of a lady's "foundation"  ... a prospect which has horrified me ever from that day. -- Bill McCaslin

~ ~ ~

Not just the kids !  Adults can be just as stupid.  More pranks and hilarity!  

If you find that you can't remove a stain from your shirt...then give it to your Mum -- Daniel Anderson -- Milton Keynes  England  <;o)  

"After being charged 20 pounds for a 10 pounds overdraft, 30 year old Michael Howard of Leeds, England changed his name to 'Yorkshire Bank PLC are Facist Bast***s'. The bank has now asked him to close his account and Mr Bast***s has asked them to repay the 69p balance by cheque made out in his new name" --  Bony

~ ~ ~

True Medical File Entries:

She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was hot in bed last night.

Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.

The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

Discharge Status: Alive but without my permission.

Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year old male mentally alert but forgetful.

The patient refused autopsy.

The patient has no previous history of suicides.

Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital

She is numb from the toes down.

While in ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.

Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.

She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.

I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.

Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.

The patient has two teen age children, but no other abnormalities. Submitted by Simon Ashworth -- Somewhere in the South-West of England

~ ~ ~

They wished they hadn't said it

No woman in my time will be Prime Minister.-Margaret Thatcher, 1969 .........She became Prime Minister in 1979

Churchill? He is a busted flush.-Lord Beaverbrook in 1932, explaining why he would not give the man a job on his newspaper. Ten years later he was Prime Minister and his boss.

My uncle is a peaceful man, he thinks war’s not worth the candle.-Willie Hitler speaking about his uncle Adolph, 1937 .........

X-rays are a hoax.-Lord Kelvin, president of the Royal Society, 1900.

Man will not fly for fifty years.-Wilbur Wright to his brother, Orville, In 1901 .........In 1903 Wilbur and Orville flew.

Space travel is utter bilge-Dr. Richard Wooley, Astronomer Royal, 1956. ........The first sputnik was launched in 1957

This telephone is an amazing invention but who would want to use one of them?-American President, Rutherford Hayes 1876.

Edison’s electric light bulb is good enough for our transatlantic friends, but unworthy of practical of scientific or practical men.-British Parliamentary society set up to investigate electric lighting,1878.

There is no reason for any individual to have a computer in their home. Ken Olsen ........Head of the Digital Equipment Company now part of Compaq,1977.

~ ~ ~

Bad Verse?

Ode to Broccoli
Sweeter even than Betty Grable is that fabulous vegetable
For a taste of my favourite brassica, whole nations would I massacre
Comparisons to the rose and the lily are inapt and utterly silly
George Lincoln-Bush 1999 ~~ parker_bowles

A nursery rhyme brought up to date!
Little Bo-peep has lost her sheep
but I know where to find them.
They're in the deep freeze with packets of peas
neatly stacked behind them.  
 John Barker

Some verse to celebrate Toilet Week in the UK
Oh Domestos, champagne of the smallest room!
You sharpen the atmosphere , cut through the gloom,
For seventy five years you've killed al known germs
You've protected our children and daddies and merms [sic]
Ian McMillen, Barnsley UK

~ ~ ~

Insults

Don't move, I want to forget you just the way you are ! 
· If you ever need a friend...go buy a dog ! 
· You only have one bad habit, breathing ! 
· If there's ever a price on your head, take it ! 
· I'm going to name my first ulcer after you. 
· Why don't you resign from the human race? 
· Why don't you sue your brains for non-support? 
· If Moses had seen you, there'd be another Commandment. 
· That's a nice suit you're wearing. When did the clown die? 
· I like the suit you're wearing. Who shines it for you? 
· Your tailor must have a great sense of humor. 
· Look at you--was anyone else hurt in the accident? 
· You look like a talent scout for a cemetery. 
· Sit down--you make the place look shabby. 
· Your mouth is getting too big for your muzzle. 
· Can I use your head for my rock garden?

~ ~ ~

Who's an Oxymoron??:

'Military Intelligence' is a contradiction of terms. -- Alan Brighton, (english bob)

~ ~ ~

Everybody, Somebody and Nobody

There was an important job to be done and Everybody was sure that Somebody would do it. Anybody could have done it but Nobody did. Somebody got angry about this because it was Everybody’s job. Everybody thought Anybody could do it but Nobody realised that Everybody wouldn’t do it. 

It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have done !  -- Anon

~ ~ ~

The Engineer

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer-you're in the wrong place." So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements.

After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy. 

One day, God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?" Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next." God replies, "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake... he should never have got down there; send him up here." Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him." God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue." Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?

~ ~ ~

Engineers and Managers

A man in a hot air balloon realised he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a chap below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am"

The man on the ground replied, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude".

"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.

"I am," replied the chap, on the ground, "How did you know?"

"Well" answered the balloonist, "Everything you told me is technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything you've delayed my trip."

The man on the ground responded, "You must be in management".

"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know that?"

"Well," said the man on the ground, "You don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault".

~ ~ ~

Bashing the Yank

At the opening plenary session of the WSSD in Johannesburg recently, delegations were asked: "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?" The subsequent debate ended in deadlock. The Africans did not know what "food" meant. The Western Europeans did not know what "shortage" meant. The Eastern Europeans did not know what "opinion" meant. Delegates from the Middle East did not know what "solution" meant. The South Americans did not know what "please" meant. The Asians did not know what "honest" meant. And the United States did not know what "the rest of the world" meant.

~ ~ ~

Forgiveness

The preacher's Sunday sermon was "Forgive Your Enemies." He asked, "how many of the congregation have forgiven their enemies?"

About half held up their hands. He the went on to give his sermon, after which he then repeated his question. All responded, except one elderly lady.

"Mrs. Jones, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?""I don't have any."

"Mrs. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?""Ninety-three." she replied.

"Mrs. Jones, please come down in front and tell the congregation how a person cannot have an enemy in the world?"

The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle and said, "I outlived all those bitches."

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"Humanity has many enemies. The worst of them are ignorance, arrogance, extremism, and violence" - Abbas Kadhim