More silly stuff
people actually said in court, word for word, taken down
and published by court reporters...
you sexually active? A: No, I just lie
gear were you in at the moment of the impact? A: Gucci sweats and
old is your son, the one living with you? A: Thirty-eight or
thirty-five, I can't remember which.
long has he lived with you? A: Forty-five years.
was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that
morning? A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?" - Q: And why did that upset
you? A: My name is Susan.
doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't
know about it until the next morning?
was your first marriage terminated? A: By death. Q: And by whose death
was it terminated?
you describe the individual? A: He was about medium height and had a
beard. Q: Was this a male, or a female?
your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which
I sent to your attorney? A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people? A: All my
autopsies are performed on dead people.
your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to? A: Oral.
Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? A:
No. Q: Did you check for blood pressure? A: No. Q: Did you check for
breathing? A: No. Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive
when you began the autopsy? A: No. Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: Do you
recall what time you examined the body? A: the autopsy started around
8.30pm. Q: And Mr Dennington was dead at the time? A: No, he was
sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which
I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
had three children, right? A: Yes. Q: How many were boys? A: None. Q:
Were there any girls?
Q: So the
date of conception of the baby was August 8th? A: Yes. Q: And what were
you doing at that time?
Q: Do you
know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult?
A: We both do. Q: Voodoo? A: We do. Q: You do? A: Yes, voodoo.
myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? A: Yes. Q: And in
what ways does it affect your memory? A: I forget. Q: You forget. Can
you give us an example of something you've forgotten?
was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw the
eagle and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing?"
answered: "Sure, why not."
rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle, and rested. All of a sudden,
a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Management Lesson - To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be
sitting very, very high up.
was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of
that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."
why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull.
"They're packed with nutrients."
turkey pecked at a lump of dung, found it actually gave him enough
strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after
eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a
fourth night, he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon, he
was spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.
Management Lesson - Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't
keep you there.
Three - Five
bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and
fell to the ground in a large field. While it was lying there, a cow
came by and dropped some dung on it. As the frozen bird lay there in
the pile of cow dung, it began to realize how warm it was. The dung was
actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon
began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to
investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the
pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.
Management Lessons - (1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!
team that matters. Where would The Beatles be without Ringo. If John
got Yoko to play drums the history of music would be completely
What does a squirrel do in the
summer? It buries nuts. Why? Cos then in winter time he's got something
to eat and he won't die. So, collecting nuts in the summer is
worthwhile work. Every task you do at work think, would a squirrel do
that? Think squirrels. Think nuts.
When confronted by a
difficult problem, you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the
question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?"
Show me a good loser and I'll
show you a LOSER!
If you can keep your head when
all around you have lost theirs, then you probably haven't understood
the seriousness of the situation.
You don't have to be mad to
work here, in fact we ask you to complete a medical questionnaire to
ensure that you are not.
If you treat the people around
you with love and respect, they will never guess that you're trying to
get them sacked.
If at first you don't succeed,
remove all evidence you ever tried. You have to be 100% behind someone,
before you can stab them in the back.
If work was so good, the rich
would have kept more of it for themselves.
Those of you who think you
know everything are annoying to those of us who do.
If your boss is getting you
down, look at him through the prongs of a fork and imagine him in jail.
There's no 'I' in 'team'. But
then there's no 'I' in 'useless smug colleague', either. And there's
four in 'platitude-quoting idiot'. Go figure. There may be no 'I' in
team, but there's a 'ME' if you look hard enough.
Process and Procedure are the
last hiding place of people without the wit and wisdom to do their job
Accept that some days you are
the pigeon, and some days you are the statue Know your limitations and
be content with them. Too much ambition results in promotion to a job
you can't do.
Make good use of your
cylindrical filing unit, the one you mainly keep under your desk.
Remember that age and
treachery will always triumph over youth and ability.
Never do today that which
will become someone else's responsibility tomorrow.
Quitters never win, winners
never quit. But those who never win and never quit are idiots.
If you're gonna be late, then
be late and not just 2 minutes - make it an hour and enjoy your
Remember the 3
1. It was like that when I got here.
2. I didn't do it.
3. (To your Boss) I like your style.
The office is like an army,
and I'm the field general. You're my foot soldiers and customer quality
is the WAR !!!
Set out to leave the first
vapour trail in the blue-sky scenario.
Statistics are like a
lamp-post to a drunken man - more for leaning on than illumination.
A problem shared is a problem
halved, so is your problem really yours or just half of someone else's?
Is your work done? Are all
pigs fed, watered and ready to fly?....
You don't have to be mad to
work here, but you do have to be on time, well presented, a team
player, customer service focused and sober!!
I thought I could see the
light at the end of the tunnel, but it was just some b*stard with a
torch, bringing me more work.
Avoid employing unlucky
people - throw half of the pile of CVs in the bin without reading them.
Put the key of despair into
the lock of apathy. Turn the knob of mediocrity slowly and open the
gates of despondency - welcome to a day in the average office.
Patients Five surgeons are discussing who makes
the best patients to operate on.
The first surgeon says, "I
like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open
them up, everything inside is numbered."
The second responds, "Yeah,
but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color
The third surgeon says, "No,
I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in
The fourth surgeon chimes in:
"You know, I like construction workers...those guys always understand
when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes
longer than you said it would."
But the fifth surgeon shut
them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the
easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, and no spine, and the
head and ass are interchangeable."
Mensa Test Exercise of the brain is as important as
exercise of the muscles. As we grow older, it's important that we keep
mentally alert. The saying: "If you don't use it, you will lose it"
also applies to the brain, so...
Below is a very private way
to gauge your loss or non-loss of intelligence. So take the following
test presented here and determine if you are losing it or still a MENSA
Ok, relax... clear your mind,
Q: What do you put in a
A: The answer is bread. If
you said "toast," then give up now and go do something else before you
hurt yourself. If you said "bread", go to the next question.
Q: Say "silk" five times.
Now, spell "silk." What do cows drink?
A: Cows drink water. If you
said "milk", please do not attempt the next question. Your brain is
obviously overstressed and may even overheat. It may be that you need
to content yourself with reading something more appropriate such as
"Children's World." If you said "water", then proceed to the next
Q: If a red house is made
with red bricks, a blue house is made with blue bricks, a pink house is
made with pink bricks, a black house is made with black bricks, what is
a greenhouse made with?
A: Greenhouses are made from
glass. If you said "green bricks," what the heck are you still doing
here reading these questions??? Dang!!... If you said "glass", then go
on to the next question.
Q: Twenty years ago, a plane
is flying at 20,000 feet over Germany. If you will recall, Germany at
the time was politically divided into West Germany and East Germany.
Anyway, during the flight, TWO of the the engines fail. The pilot,
realizing that the last remaining engine is also failing, decides on a
crash landing procedure. Unfortunately, the engine fails before he has
time and the plane crashes smack in the middle of "no-man's-land"
between East Germany and West Germany. Where would you bury the
survivors - East Germany or West Germany or in
A: You don't, of course, bury
the survivors. If you said ANYTHING else, you are a real dunce and you
must NEVER try to rescue anyone from a plane crash. Your efforts would
not be appreciated... If you said, "Don't bury the survivors" then
proceed to the next question.
Q: If the hour hand on a
clock moves 1/60th of a degree every minute, then how many degrees will
the hour hand move in one hour?
A: One degree. If you said
"360 degrees" or anything else other than "one degree", you are to be
congratulated on getting this far, but you are obviously out of your
league. Turn your pencil in and exit the room. Everyone else proceed to
the final question.
Q: Without using a calculator
- You are driving a bus from London to Milford Haven in Wales. In
London, 17 people get on the bus. In Reading, six people get off the
bus and nine people get on. In Swindon, two people get off and four get
on. In Cardiff, 11 people geto off and 16 people get on. In Swansea,
three people get off and five people get on. In Carmathen, six people
get off and three get on. You then arrive at Milford Haven. What was
the name of the bus driver?
A: Oh, for Heaven's sake... It
Something Went Wrong
in Jet Crash, Expert Says
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted
Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case
Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents
Farmer Bill Dies in House
Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms
Eye Drops off Shelf
Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
Reagan Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead
Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim
Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66
Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Axe
Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash
Probe Told Miners Refuse to Work after Death
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
Stolen Painting Found by Tree
Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies
Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter
Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years
Drunken Drivers Paid £1000 in '84
War Dims Hope for Peace
If Strike isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge
Deer Kill 17,000
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts
Fire British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply
Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood
Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half New
Vaccine May Contain Rabies
Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing Deaf
College Opens Doors to Hearing
Air Head Fired Steals Clock, Faces Time
Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni
Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Include your Children When Baking Cookies
the weekend, I left Mumbai on Western Express Highway heading
towards Pune, when I decided to stop at a comfort station. The first
toilet was occupied, so I went into the second one. I was no sooner
seated than I heard a voice from the next toilet: "Hi, how are you
doing?" Well, I am not the type to chat with strangers in highway
comfort stations, and I really don't know quite what possessed me, but
anyway, I answered, a little embarrassed: "Not bad." And the stranger
said: "And, what are you up to?" Talk about your dumb questions! I was
really beginning to think this was too weird! So I said: "Well, just
like you I am driving to Pune?" Then, I heard the stranger, all upset,
say: "Look, I'll call you right back, there is some idiot in the next
toilet answering all the questions I am asking you. Bye!"
These are entries to a competition
asking for a rhyme with the
most romantic first line but least romantic second
Love may be beautiful, Love may be bliss
but I only slept with you, because I was pissed
I thought that I could love no other
Until, that is, I met your brother
Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar
empty and so is your head.
Of loving beauty you float with grace
If only you could hide your face
Kind, intelligent, loving and hot
This describes everything you are not
I want to feel your sweet embrace
But don't take that paper bag off of your face
I love your smile, your face, and your eyes-
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!
My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you screwed up the rest of my life
I see your face when I am dreaming
That's why I always wake up screaming
My love you take my breath away
What have you stepped in to smell this way
My feelings for you no words can tell
Except for maybe "go to hell"
What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime
A married couple is
driving along a highway doing sixty mph, the wife behind the wheel. Her
husband suddenly looks over at her and says, "Honey, I know we've been
married for twenty years, but I want a divorce." The wife says nothing
but slowly increases speed to seventy mph. He then says, "I don't want
you to try to talk me out of it, because I've been having an affair
with your best friend, and she's a better lover than you are." Again
the wife stays quiet but speeds up as her anger increases. "I want the
house," he insists, pressing his luck. Again the wife speeds up, to
eighty mph. He says, "I want the car, too," but she just drives faster
and faster. By now she's up to ninety mph. "All right," he says, "I
want the bank accounts, and all the credit cards, too." The wife slowly
starts to veer toward a bridge overpass piling. This makes him a bit
nervous, so he says, "Isn't there anything you want?" The wife says,
"No, I've got everything I need." "Oh, really," he says, "so what have
you got?" Right before they slam into the wall at a hundred mph, the
wife smiles and says, "The airbag."
you can start the day without caffeine or pep pills,
If you can be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,
If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,
If you can eat the same food everyday and be grateful for it,
If you can understand when loved ones are too busy to give you time,
If you can overlook when people take things out on you when, through no
fault of yours, something goes wrong,
If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,
If you can face the world without lies and deceit,
If you can conquer tension without medical help,
If you can relax without liquor,
If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,
If you can do all these things,
you are probably the family dog.
5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER!
a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a
Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived
at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home
near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to
trying to steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the motor
home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to
press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.
You spend the first two years of their life teaching them to walk and
talk. Then you spend the next sixteen telling them to sit down and shut
are God's reward for not killing your own children.
3. Children seldom
misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you
shouldn't have said.
4. The main purpose
of holding children's parties is to remind yourself that there are
children more awful than your own.
ADVICE FOR THE DAY!
Be nice to your kids. They will choose your nursing home.
AND FINALLY: IF YOU
HAVE A LOT OF TENSION AND YOU GET A HEADACHE, DO WHAT IT SAYS ON THE
TWO ASPIRIN" AND "KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN
Which part of the body?....
6th grade science
teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "Which human body part
increases to ten times its size when stimulated?"
No one answered
until little Mary stood up, angry, and said, "You should not
be asking sixth-graders a question like that! I'm going to
tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who
will then fire you!" With a sneer on her face, she then sat
Mrs. Parks ignored
her and asked the question again, "Which body part increases
to 10 times its size when stimulated?"
Little Mary's mouth
fell open; then she said to those around her, "Boy, is she
going to get in big trouble!"
continued to ignore her and said to the class, anybody?"
Finally, Billy stood
up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body part that
increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of
Mrs. Parks said,
"Very good, Billy," then turned to Mary and
continued, "As for you, young lady, I have three things to
One, you have a
Two, you didn't read
Three, one day you
are going to be very, very disappointed."
~ ~ ~
Sites: www.theonion.com - www.drudgereport.com
to everyone who sent in a "funny"
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has many enemies. The worst of them are ignorance, arrogance,
extremism, and violence" - Abbas Kadhim