Accountants - Take one Two accounting students were
walking across campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great
bike?" The second accountant replied, "Well, I was walking along
yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on
this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes
and said, "Take what you want." The first accountant nodded
approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit." -
Accountants - Take Two An architect, an artist and an
accountant were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the
wife or a mistress. The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife,
building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship. The artist
said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and
mystery he found there. The accountant said, "I like both." "Both?" The
accountant replied "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will
each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go
to the office and get some work done." -
Accountants - Take Three To the optimist, the glass is
half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the
accountant, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be. -
Accountants - Take Four "An Accountant and His Frog" An
accountant was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him
and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess". He
bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke
up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful
princess, I will stay with you for one week". The accountant took the
frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The
frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess,
I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want." Again the accountant took
the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally,
the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful
princess and that I'll stay with you and do anything you want. Why
won't you kiss me?" The accountant said, "Look I'm an accountant. I
don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."
Accountants - Take Five A businessman was interviewing
applicants for the position of Divisional Manager. He devised a simple
test to select the most suitable person for the job. He asked each
applicant the question, "What is two and two"? The first interviewee
was a journalist. His answer was "twenty-two." The second applicant was
an engineer. He pulled out a calculator and showed the answer to be
between 3.999999 and 4.000001. The next person was a lawyer. He stated
that in the case of Jenkins v. Comm'r of Stamp Duties (Qld), two and
two was proven to be four. The last applicant was an accountant. The
businessman asked him, "How much is two and two?" The accountant got up
from his chair, went over to the door, closed it then came back and sat
down. He leaned across the desk and said in a low voice, "How much do
you want it to be?"
More Accountant stuff!
What's the definition of an
accountant? Someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a
way you don't understand.
What's the definition of a
good tax accountant? Someone who has a loophole named after him.
When does a person decide to
become an accountant? When he realizes he doesn't have the charisma to
succeed as an undertaker.
What does an accountant use
for birth control? His personality.
What's an extroverted
accountant? One who looks at your shoes while he's talking to you
instead of his own.
What's an auditor? Someone
who arrives after the battle and bayonets all the wounded.
Why did the auditor cross the
road? Because he looked in the file and that's what they did last year.
There are three kinds of
accountants in the world. Those who can count, and those who can't.
How do you drive an
accountant completely insane? Tie him to a chair, stand in front of him
and fold up a roadmap the wrong way.
What's the most wicked thing
a group of young accountants can do? Go into town and gang-audit
What do accountants suffer
from that ordinary people don't? Depreciation.
An accountant is having a
hard time sleeping and goes to see his doctor. Doctor, I just can't get
to sleep at night." "Have you tried counting sheep?" "That's the
problem - I make a mistake and then spend three hours trying to find
The English Rugby supporter
An Australian family of rugby
supporters head out one Saturday to do Their Christmas shopping. While
in the sports shop the son picks up an England rugby shirt and says to
his sister, "I've decided to be an England supporter and I would like
this for Christmas".
His sister is outraged by this
and promptly whacks him round the head and says, "Go talk to your
mother". Off goes the little lad with the white rugby shirt in hand and
finds his mother. "Mum?" "Yes son?" "I've decided I'm going to be an
England supporter and I would like this shirt for Christmas". The
mother is outraged at this, promptly whacks him around the head and
says,"Go talk to your father".
Off he goes with the rugby
shirt in hand and finds his father. "Dad?" "Yes son?" "I've decided I'm
going to be an England supporter and I would like this shirt for
Christmas". The father is outraged and promptly whacks his son around
the head and says "No son of mine is ever going to be seen in THAT!".
About half an hour later they're all back in the car and heading
towards home. The father turns to his son and says
"Son, I hope you've learned
The son says, "Yes dad I
"Good son, what is it?"
The son replies,
"I've only been an England
supporter for an hour and I already hate you Aussie bastards."
The Bricklayers Tale:
Amazing but true: This is a
bricklayer's accident report, which was printed in the newsletter of
the Australian equivalent of the Workers' Compensation board. ( This is
a true story. ) Dear Sir: I am writing in response to your request for
additional information in Block 3 of the accident report form. I put
"poor planning" as the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller
explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient.
I am a bricklayer by trade. On
the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six
story building. When I completed my work, I found that I had some
bricks left over which, when weighed later were found to be slightly in
excess of 500 lbs.
Rather than carry the bricks
down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley,
which was attached to the side of the building on the sixth floor.
Securing the rope at ground
level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the
bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it
tightly to ensure a slow descent of the bricks.
You will note in Block 11 of
the accident report form that I weigh 175lbs.
Due to my surprise at being
jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and
forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid
rate up the side of the building.
In the vicinity of the third
floor, I met the barrel which was now proceeding downward at an equal,
impressive speed. This explained the fractured skull, minor abrasions
and the broken collar bone, as listed in section 3 of the accident
Slowed only slightly, I
continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right
hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley. Fortunately by this time I
had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the
rope, in spite of beginning to experience a great deal of pain.
At approximately the same
time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell
out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, that barrel
weighed approximately 50 lbs. I refer you again to my weight.
As you can imagine, I began a
rapid descent, down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the
third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two
fractured ankles, broken tooth and several lacerations of my legs and
Here my luck began to change
slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to
lessen my injuries when fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately
only three vertebrae were cracked.
I am sorry to report, however,
as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move, I again
lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope and I lay
there watching the empty barrel begin its journey back down onto me.
This explains the two broken legs.
I hope this answers your
This is a version of a BBC
radio broadcast by the incomparable Gerard Hoffnung.
The Hunchback's Successor
After Quasimodo's death, the
bishop of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new
bell ringer was needed. After observing several applicants demonstrate
their skills, he had decided to call it a day when an armless man
approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bell
The bishop was incredulous.
"You have no arms!"
"No matter," said the man,
"observe!" He then began striking the bells with his face, producing a
beautiful melody on the carillon.
The bishop listened in
astonishment, convinced that he had finally found a suitable
replacement for Quasimodo.
Suddenly, rushing forward to
strike a bell, the armless man tripped and plunged headlong out of the
belfry window to his death in the street below. When the bishop reached
the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the
beautiful music they had heard only moments before. As they silently
parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked, "Bishop, who was
"I don't know his name, but
his face rings a bell."
The following day, despite the
sadness that weighed heavily on his heart due to the unfortunate death
of the armless campanologist, the bishop continued his interviews for a
bell ringer for Notre Dame.
The first man to approach him
said, "Your Excellency, I am the brother of the poor armless wretch who
fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday. I pray that you
honour his life by allowing me to replace him in this duty."
The bishop agreed to give the
man an audition, and, as the armless man's brother stooped to pick up a
mallet to strike the first bell, he groaned, clutched at his chest and
died on the spot.
Two monks, hearing the
bishop's cries of grief at this second tragedy, rushed up the stairs to
his side. "What has happened?" the first breathlessly asked. "Who is
this poor man?"
"I don't know his name, but
he's a dead ringer for his brother."
Remember: A friend will help
you move. A really good friend will help you move a body. Let me know
if I ever need to.
PS: No Jews.
In 1964, a US Navy cruiser
put into port in Mobile, Alabama for a week's R&R. The first
evening, the Captain was more than a little surprised to receive the
following letter from the wife of a very wealthy plantation owner and
Dear Captain: Thursday will be my daughter Susan's
debutante ball. I would like you to send four well-mannered, handsome,
unmarried officers. They should arrive at 8 p.m. sharp, prepared for an
evening of polite Southern conversation and dancing with lovely young
PS: No Jews.
Sure enough, at 8 p.m. on
Thursday, the lady followed her butler to answer a rap at the door
which was opened by the butler. She found in dress uniform, four
handsome, exquisitely mannered and smiling African American naval
Her lower jaw hit the floor,
but pulling herself together she stammered, "There must be some
"Madam," said the first
officer, "Captain Cohen doesn't make mistakes
The following scene took
place a few years ago on a BA flight between Johannesburg and London. A
white woman, about 50 years old, was seated next to a black man.
Obviously disturbed by this, she called the air Hostess.
"Madam, what is the matter,"
the hostess asked. "You obviously do not see it then?" she responded.
"You placed me next to a black man. I do not agree to sit next to
someone from such a repugnant group. Give me an alternative seat."
Be calm please," the hostess
replied. "Almost all the places on this flight are taken. I will go to
see if another place is available." The Hostess went away and then came
back a few minutes later. Madam, just as I thought, there are no other
available seats in the economy class. I spoke to the captain and he
informed me that there is also no seat in the business class. All the
same, we still have one place in the first class."
Before the woman could say
anything, the hostess continued: It is not usual for our company to
permit someone from the economy class to sit in the first class.
However, given the circumstances, the captain feels that it would be
scandalous to make someone sit next to someone so disgusting."
She turned to the black guy,
and said, "Therefore, Sir, if you would like to, please collect your
hand luggage, a seat awaits you in first class." At that moment, the
other passengers who were shocked by what they had just witnessed stood
up and applauded. This is a true story.
Professor Sydney Morgenbesser
When the Oxford philosopher, J. L. Austin, said, in a lecture he gave
at Columbia University in 1950, that many languages employ the double
negative to denote a positive (e.g. he is not unlike his sister) but
that no language employs a double positive to denote a negative
Morganbesser waved his arm dismissively and retorted - “Yeah, Yeah”
Asked by a student if he
agreed with Mao’s view that a statement can be both true and false at
the same time Morgenbesser replied “Well I do and I don’t. “
Of the Philosophy of
Pragmatism on which he lectured he once said: “It sounds good in theory
but it will never work in practice”
In the 1960s Morgenbesser
joined the ranks of students protesting the Vietnam War. After he was
clubbed over the head he was asked what he though of his treatment to
which he said: “unfair, but not unjust” in explanation he added “It was
unfair because they hit me over the head, but not unjust because they
hit everyone else over the head”
His literary output was not
spectacular so when queried why he hadn’t published more material he
quipped “Moses wrote one book, then what did he do?”
Towards the end of his life,
while suffering from a long illness he was heard to say: “Why is god
making me suffer so much? - Just because I don’t believe in him?”
Don't let worry
kill you -- let the church help.
Thursday night - Potluck
supper. Prayer and medication to follow.
Remember in prayer the many
who are sick of our church and community.
For those of you who have
children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
The rosebud on the alter this
morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev.
and Mrs. Julius Belzer.
This afternoon there will be a
meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be
baptized at both ends.
Tuesday at 4:00 PM there will
be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.
Wednesday the ladies liturgy
will meet. Mrs. Johnson will sing "Put me in my little bed" accompanied
by the pastor.
Thursday at 5:00 PM there will
be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All ladies wishing to be
"Little Mothers" will meet with the Pastor in his study.
This being Easter Sunday, we
will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.
The service will close with
"Little Drops of Water." One of the ladies will start quietly and the
rest of the congregation will join in
Next Sunday a special
collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All
those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward and
The ladies of the church have
cast off clothing of every kind. They can be seen in the church
A bean supper will be held on
Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
At the evening service
tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen
to our choir practice.
The preacher will preach his
farewell message, after which the choir will sing, "Break Forth With
Fellowship House Sexuality Course, 8 p.m. Please park in the rear
parking lot for this activity.
During the absence of our
pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when A.
B. Doe supplied our pulpit.
The Rev. Adams spoke briefly,
much to the delight of his audience.
The church is glad to have
with us today as our guest minister the Rev. Shirley Green who has Mrs.
Green with him. After the service we request that all remain in the
sanctuary for the Hanging of the Greens.
The `eighth graders' will be
presenting Shakespeare's "Hamlet" in the church basement on Friday at 7
p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
Scouts are saving aluminum
cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to
The outreach committee has
enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with
The Ladies Bible Study will be
held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the
Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.
Evening massage - 6 p.m.
The Pastor would appreciate it
if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles
for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.
The audience is asked to
remain seated until the end of the recession.
Low Self-Esteem Support Group
will meet Thursday at 7 to 8:30 p.m. Please use the back door.
Ushers will eat latecomers.
The third verse of Blessed
Assurance will be sung without musical accomplishment.
During the absence of our
pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when
J.F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit.
Next Sunday Mrs. Vinson will
be soloist for the morning service. The pastor will then speak on "It's
a Terrible Experience."
Due to the Rector's illness,
Wednesday's healing services will be discontinued until further notice.
Stewardship Offertory: "Jesus
Paid It All"
The music for today's service
was all composed by George Friedrich Handel in celebration of the 300th
anniversary of his birth.
The concert held in Fellowship
Hall was a great success. Special thanks are due to the minister's
daughter, who labored the whole evening at the piano, which as usual
fell upon her.
22 members were present at the
church meeting held at the home of Mrs. Marsha Crutchfield last
evening. Mrs. Crutchfield and Mrs. Rankin sang a duet, The Lord Knows
A song fest was hell at the
Methodist church Wednesday.
Today's Sermon: HOW MUCH CAN A
MAN DRINK? with hymns from a full choir.
Hymn 43: "Great God, what do I
see here?" Preacher: "The Rev. Horace Blodgett" Hymn 47: "Hark! An
awful voice is sounding"
On a church bulletin during
the minister's illness: GOD IS GOOD Dr. Hargreaves is better.
The 1997 Spring Council
Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11.
Pastor is on vacation.
Massages can be given to church secretary.
8 new choir robes are
currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the
deterioration of some older ones.
The choir invites any member
of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.
Please join us as we show our
support for Amy and Alan in preparing for the girth of their first
Weight Watchers will meet at 7
p.m. Please use large double door at the side entrance. -- Ray Watson
Letter to God
There was this fellow who
worked for the Post Office whose job it was to process all the mail
that had illegible addresses.
One day a letter came to his
desk, addressed to God in very shaky handwriting. He thought, "Oh boy,
better open this one and see what it's all about."
So he opened it and read:
"Dear God, I am an 83 year old widow living on a very small pension.
Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had £100.00 in it, which was all
the money I had until my next pension check Next Sunday is Christmas,
and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that
money, I have nothing to buy food with. I have no family to turn to,
and you are my only hope. Can you please help me?"
The Postal worker was touched,
and went around showing the letter to all the others. Each of them dug
into their wallets and came up with a few pounds. By the time he made
the rounds, he had collected £96.50p which they put into an envelope
and sent over to her. The rest of the day, all the workers felt the
warm glow of the kind thing they had done.
Christmas came and went. A few
days later another letter came from the old lady again addressed to
God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.
It read, 'Dear God, How can I
ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of
love I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very
nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift By the way, there
was £3.50 missing. I think it must have been those thieving b*stards at
the Post Office'.
Are you a Smart Yankee?
We are sick and tired of
hearing about how dumb people in the South are. We challenge any
so-called smart Yankee to take this exam administered by the Ole Miss *
University Engineering Department:
1. Calculate the smallest limb
diameter on a persimmon tree that will support a 10-pound possum.
2. Which of these cars will
rust out the quickest when placed on blocks in your front yard? A '65
Ford Fairlane B '69 Chevrolet Chevelle C '64 Pontiac GTO
3. If your uncle builds a
still which operates at a capacity of 20 gallons of shine produced per
hour, how many car radiators are required to condense the product?
4. A woodcutter has a chainsaw
which operates at 2700 RPM. The density of the pine trees in the plot
to be harvested is 470 per acre. The plot is 2.3 acres in size. The
average tree diameter is 14 inches. How many Budweiser's will be drunk
before the trees are cut down?
5. If every old refrigerator
in the state vented a charge of R-12 simultaneously, what would be the
percentage decrease in the ozone layer?
6. A front porch is
constructed of 2x8 pine on 24-inch centers with a field rock
foundation. The span is 8 feet and the porch length is 16 feet. The
porch floor is 1-inch rough sawn pine. When the porch collapses, how
many hound dogs will be killed?
7. A man owns a Mississippi
house and 3.7 acres of land in a hollow with an average slope of 15%.
The man has five children. Can each of his grown children place a
mobile home on the man's land and still have enough property for their
electric appliances to sit out front?
8. A 2-ton truck is overloaded
and proceeding 900 yards down a steep slope on a secondary road at 45
MPH. The brakes fail. Given average traffic conditions on secondary
roads, what is the probability that it will strike a vehicle with a
9. A coal mine operates a NFPA
Class 1, Division 2 Hazardous Area. The mine employs 120 miners per
shift. A gas warning is issued at the beginning of the 3rd shift. How
many cartons of unfiltered Camels will be smoked during the shift?
10. At a reduction in the gene
pool variability rate of 7.5% per generation, how long will it take a
town that has been bypassed by the Interstate to breed a
country-western singer Donald
* Ole Miss = familiar name for
The University of Mississippi. This information is for the furriners.
History the way it should be....
The following excerpts are
actual answers given on history tests and in Sunday school quizzes by
children between 5th and 6th grade, in Ohio. They were collected over a
period of three years by two teachers. Read carefully for grammar,
misplaced modifiers, and of course, spelling!
Ancient Egypt was old. It was
inhabited by gypsies and mummies who all wrote in hydraulics. They
lived in the Sarah Dessert. The climate of the Sarah is such that all
the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.
Moses led the Hebrew slaves to
the Red Sea where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made
without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten
commandos. He died before he ever reached Canada but his commandos made
Solomon had three hundred
wives and seven hundred porcupines. He was an actual hysterical figure
as well as being in the bible. It sounds like he was sort of busy too.
The Greeks were a highly
sculptured people, and without them we wouldn't have history. The
Greeks also had myths. A myth is a young female moth.
Socrates was a famous old
Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. He
later died from an overdose of wedlock which is apparently poisonous.
After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.
In the first Olympic games,
Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled biscuits, and threw the java. The
games were messier then than they show on TV now.
Julius Caesar extinguished
himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him
because they thought he was going to be made king.
Dying, he gasped out "Same to
Joan of Arc was burnt to a
steak and was canonized by Bernard Shaw for reasons I don't really
understand. The English and French still have problems.
Queen Elizabeth was the
"Virgin Queen". As a queen she was a success. When she exposed herself
before her troops they all shouted "hurrah!" and that was the end of
the fighting for a long while.
It was an age of great
inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the
Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of blood.
Sir Walter Raleigh is a
historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking.
Sir Francis Drake circumcised
the world with a 100 foot clipper which was very dangerous to all his
The greatest writer of the
Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564,
supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only
because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies,
all in Islamic pentameter.
Writing at the same time as
Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He Wrote Donkey Hote. The next great
author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Since then no one
ever found it.
Delegates from the original 13
states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and
Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence.
Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backward and also
declared, "A horse divided against itself cannot stand." He was a
naturalist for sure. Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.
Abraham Lincoln became
America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's Mother died in infancy, and he
was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands.. Abraham
Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation.
On the night of April 14,
1865, Lincoln went to the theatre and got Shot in his seat by one of
the actors in a moving picture show. They believe the assinator was
John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane actor. This ruined Booth's
Johann Bach wrote a great many
musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he
practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died
from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the
world and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian, and half
English. He was very large.
Bethoven wrote music even
though he was deaf. He was so deaf that he wrote loud music and became
the father of rock and roll. He took long walks in the forest even when
everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died
The nineteenth century was a
time of a great many thoughts and inventions. People stopped
reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine. The invention
of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up
LETTER FROM A FARM KID, NOW AT SAN DIEGO MARINE CORPS
Dear Ma and Pa:
I am well. Hope you are.
Tell Brother Walt and Brother
Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell
them to join up quick before maybe all of the places are filled.
I was restless at first
because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6a.m., but am getting so I
like to sleep late.
Tell Walt and Elmer all you do
before breakfast is smooth your cot and shine some things. No hogs to
slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay.
Practically nothing. Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's
Breakfast is strong on
trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak
on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular
food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys
that live on coffee. Their food plus yours holds you till noon when you
get fed again.
It's no wonder these city boys
can't walk much. We go on "route marches", which the platoon sergeant
says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to
tell him different. A "route march" is about as far as to our mailbox
at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in
trucks. The country is nice but awful flat.
The sergeant is like a school
teacher. He nags a lot. The Capt. is like the school board. Majors and
colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none.
This next will kill Walt and
Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know
why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move,
and it ain't shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got
to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your
own cartridges. They come in boxes.
Then we have what they call
hand-to hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I
have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain't like
fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they got in
this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake. I only beat
him once. He joined up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6" and 130
pounds, and he's 6'8" and weighs near 300 pounds dry.
Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer
to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come
Your loving daughter, Gail.
Lesser Known Laws
Okay, you've heard of
Murphy's famous Law: Everything that can go wrong will go wrong. Well,
there are many other related Laws. Here are some:
After your hands become coated
with grease, your nose will begin to itch. --Lorenz's Law of Mechanical
Identical parts aren't.
Any tool, when dropped, will
roll into the least accessible corner. --Anthony's Law of the Workshop
Nothing is as inevitable as a
mistake whose time has come. --Tussman's Law
If it jams, force it. If it
breaks, it needed replacing anyway. --Lowery's Law
The solution to a problem
changes the problem. --Peer's Law
There is no mechanical problem
so difficult that it cannot be solved by brute strength and ignorance.
Handy Guide to Modern Science:
1. If it's green or it wiggles, it's Biology. 2. If it stinks, it's
Chemistry. 3. If it doesn't work, it's Physics.
Machines should work. People
should think. --IBM's Pollyanna Principle
The most ineffective workers
will be systematically moved to the place where they can do the least
damage - management. --The Dilbert Principle
The first rule of intelligent
tinkering is to save all the parts. --Ehrlich's Law
It is a mistake to allow any
mechanical object to realize that you are in a hurry. --Ralph's
If you tell the boss you were
late for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning you will
have a flat tire. --Cannon's Comment
Thinly sliced cabbage.
A shepherd was herding his
flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of
a dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Prada suit,
Gucci shoes, Dior sunglasses and D+G tie, leans out the window and asks
the shepherd: "If I tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your
flock, will you give me one?"
The shepherd looks at the man,
obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing flock and
calmly answers: "Sure. Why not?"
The yuppie parks his car,
whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his AT&T
cell phone, surfs to a NASA page on the internet, where he calls up a
GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location
which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an
The young man then opens the
digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing
facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, he receives an email on
his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored.
He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel
spreadsheet with hundreds of complex formulae.
He uploads all of this data
via an email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a
response. Finally, he prints out a full-colour, 150-page report on his
hi-tech, miniaturised HP LaserJet printer, turns to the shepherd and
says: "You have exactly 1,586 sheep".
"That's right. Well, I guess
you can take one of my sheep," says the shepherd. He watches the young
man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man
stuffs it into the boot of his car. Then the shepherd says to the young
man: "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you
give me back my sheep?"
The young man thinks about it
for a second and then says: "Okay, why not?". "You're a consultant,"
says the shepherd. "Wow! that's correct," says the yuppie. "But how did
you guess that?" "No guessing required," answers the shepherd. "You
showed up here even though nobody called you, you want to get paid for
an answer I already knew to a question I never asked, and you know
nothing about my business.
"Now give me
back my dog."
Text of a Letter from a Australian Army Recruit form
Eromanga to Mum and Dad. (For those
of you not in the know, Eromanga is a small town west of Quilpie in the
far south west of Queensland)
Dear Mum & Dad,
I am well. Hope youse are too.
Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin'
on the farm - tell them to get in bloody quick smart before
the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first,
because ya don't hafta get outta bed until 6am. But I like sleeping in
now, cuz all you gotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya
boots and clean ya uniform. No bloody cows to milk, no calves to feed,
no feed to stack - nothin'!! Blokes haz gotta shave though, but its not
so bad, coz there's lotsa hot water and even a light to see what ya
doing! At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no kangaroo
steaks or possum stew like wot Mum makes. You don't get fed again until
noon, and by that time all the city boys are buggered because we've
been on a 'route march' - geez its only just like walking to the
windmill in the back paddock!!
This one will kill me brothers
Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep getting medals for shootin' - dunno
why. The bullseye is as big as a bloody possum's bum and it don't move
and its not firing back at ya like the Johnsons did when our big
scrubber bull got into their prize cows before the Ekka last year! All
ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target - its a
piece of piss!! You don't even load your own cartridges - they comes in
little boxes and ya don't have to steady yourself against the rollbar
of the roo shooting truck when you reload!
Sometimes ya gotta wrestle
with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy -
it's not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve
and Muzza all at once like we do at home after the muster. Turns out
I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the best the platoon's
got, and I've only been beaten by this one bloke from the Engineers -
he's 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pickhandles across the shoulders
and as ya know I'm only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin' wet, but I
fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer. I can't
complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word
gets around how bloody good it is.
Your loving daughter,
Qs and As from Australia
The questions below about
Australia are from potential visitors. They were posted on an
Australian Tourism Website and the, (sometimes brilliant) answers are
the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a
sense of humour.
Q: Does it ever get windy in
Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow?
(UK). A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around
watching them die.
Q: Will I be able to see
kangaroos in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.
Q: I want to walk from Perth
to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.
Q: Is it safe to run around in
the bushes in Australia? (Sweden)
A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.
Q: Are there any ATMs (cash
machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane,
Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?
Q: Can you give me some
information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe.
Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does
not... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in
Kings Cross. Come naked.
Q: Which direction is North in
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here
and we'll send the rest of the directions.
Q: Can I bring cutlery into
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
Q: Can you send me the Vienna
Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which
is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday
night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
Q: Can I wear high heels in
Australia? ( UK)
A: You are a British politician, right?
Q: Are there supermarkets in
Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk
Q: Please send a list of all
doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All
Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and
make good pets.
Q: I have a question about a
famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear
and lives in trees. (USA)
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of
Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can
scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out
Q: Do you have perfume in
A: No, WE don't stink.
Q: I have developed a new
product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell
it in Australia? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
Q: Can you tell me the regions
in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.
Q: Do you celebrate Christmas
in Australia? (France)
A: Only at Christmas.
Q: I was in Australia in 1969
on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in
Kings Cross. Can you help? (USA)
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.
Q: Will I be able to speak
English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.
Some Useful Chinese Phrases
1) That's not right........
Sum Ting wong
2) Are you harbouring a
fugitive?....... Hu Ya Hai Ding
3) See me ASAP....... Kum Hia
4) Stupid Man............ Dum
5) Small Horse........... Tai
Ni Po Ni
6) Did you go to the
beach?..... Wai Yu So Tan
7) I bumped into a coffee
table... Ai Bang Mai Fa Kin Ni
8) I think you need a
facelift...... Chin Too Fat
9 Its very dark in here.......
Wai So Dim
10) I thought you were on a
diet..... Wai ya Mun Ching?
11) This is a tow away
zone.... No Pah King
12) Re-schedule our
meeting...Wai Yu Kum Nao?
13 Staying out of sight....
Lei Ying Lo
14) He's cleaning his
automobile.... Wa Shing Ka
15) Your body odour is
offensive..... Yu Stin Ki Pu
16) Great................. Fa
Kin Su Pah
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