THIS IS THE BEST
LAWYER STORY OF THE YEAR, DECADE AND PROBABLY THE CENTURY
A Charlotte, North
Carolina (NC) lawyer purchased a box of very rare and
expensive cigars, then insured them against fire, among other things.
Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great
cigars and without yet having made even his first premium
payment on the policy, the lawyer filed claim against the
claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost in a series of
small fires. The insurance company refused to pay, citing the
obvious reason that the man had consumed the cigars in the
normal fashion.mmmThe lawyer sued... and WON! (Stay with me)
delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company
that the claim was frivolous. The judge stated nevertheless,
that the lawyer "held a policy from the company in which it
had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also
guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining
what is considered to be unacceptable fire" and was obligated
to pay the claim.
than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company
accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his
loss of the rare cigars lost in the "fires".
THE BEST PART...
lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested
on 24 counts of ARSON!!! With his own insurance claim and
testimony from the previous case being used against him, the
lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured
property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000
I have some doubts about the veracity of this tale as it was sent to me
by a lawyer friend! - Ed
~ ~ ~
Cross Examination A defense attorney was
cross-examining a police officer during a felony trial it went like
Q. Officer, did
you see my client fleeing the scene?
No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description
of the offender running several blocks away.
Officer, who provided this description?
The officer who responded to the scene.
A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called
Do you trust your fellow officers?
Yes sir, with my life.
With your life? Let me ask you this then officer - do you have a locker
room in the police station - a room where you change your clothes in
preparation for your daily duties?
Yes sir, we do.
And do you have a locker in that room?
Yes sir, I do.
And do you have a lock on your locker?
Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your
life, that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you
share with those same officers?
You see sir, we share the building with a court complex, and sometimes
lawyers have been known to walk through that room. With that, the
courtroom erupted in laughter, and a prompt recess was called.
~ ~ ~
the difference between a mosquito and a lawyer? One is a bloodsucking
parasite, the other is an insect.
do you call 25 attorneys buried up to their chins in cement? Not enough
are lawyers good for? They make used car salesmen look good.
you hear about the new sushi bar that caters exclusively to lawyers?
It's called, Sosumi
does an attorney sleep?
First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.
lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one
of them, would you go to lunch or read the newspaper.
did the terrorist that hijacked a jumbo-jet full of lawyers do?
He threatened to release one every hour if his demands weren't met.
do you call a lawyer gone bad? Senator.
do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50? Your Honor.
do you throw to a drowning lawyer? His partners.
does California have the most lawyers in the country, and New Jersey
have the most toxic waste sites? - New Jersey got first choice.!!!!!!!!
~ ~ ~
Two alligators who had recently graduated from Oxford University
returned to their home in Louisiana. They were relaxing on a mud flat
taking in some sun whiling away the day luxuriating in their summer
leisure. Small alligator, "We've been together all our lives. We grew
up together, attended the same schools, dated the same alligator girls,
played alligator football, we eat the same food drink the same drink,
we even eat at the same places. We're always together. My friend, I
can't understand why you're nearly three times my size." Large
alligator, "It must be your technique or your manner of dining. Tell
me" he said, "how do you dine?" Small alligator, "Just like you I crawl
up to the back of the Courthouse, sneak between the bushes and the
wall, peek out to make sure no one can see me and then I rush out to
hide under a BMW, Lexus, Rolls or Porsche. When a lawyer comes up to
his car I lunge at him bite him, kill him and shake the excrement out
of him. Large alligator, "Ah! I thought so. Your technique is
appalling! You should know when you shake the excrement out of a lawyer
all you have left is a mouth, an anal sphincter and a briefcase full of
paper." -- Bill-McCaslin"
~ ~ ~
The Unfortunate Story of The
Presbyterian Minister and The Lawyer.
An elderly Presbyterian Minister with poor eyesight was driving
an empty school bus at dusk. Having difficulty seeing the
lines that late in the evening he occasionally drifted into the lane of
Approaching him was an attorney in a custom painted candy apple red
Lexus with custom fitted seats made in Spain of well let Corinthian
leather with the license plate: I-SUE-U. Sadly they collided
and the entire side of the Lexus from the head light to the
tail light was ripped from the car.
To the ditch they went and the Minister jumped appalled and shaking
from the bus exclaiming repeatedly his most profound
expletive, "Oh! My!" The attorney struggled to free himself from his
stricken automobile fighting with the seat and shoulder belts
and loudly cursing the air bag. He jumped out greatly shaken as the
Minister arrived exclaiming, "Oh! My! What shall we
The attorney not to be misdirected by such a bland
plaint shouted loudly and with a will: "YOU IDIOT! YOU
FREAKING IDIOT! Look what you've done to my car! That paint was custom
mixed candy apple red with 24 kt. Gold metal flake overcoat by Jean
Marie Tresvant in Goetborg! Do you realize there are 16 coats of paint
and 16 coats of clear overcoat with 24 kt. Gold? Do you know it took
six months to paint and hand buff those coats? The paint job cost
$16,000.00 -- look at my seat it is totally ruined! Do you realize Dr.
Jurgen Heim van Til, Professor Emeritus of Biometrics Sciences at the
Sorbonne made my body cast at a cost of $4,000.00? Do you realize that
one of a kind seat was designed by Enrico Scarlatti of Milan for
$6000.00 made in Cordoba Spain by Auto Fabrik a subsidiary of
Ubermenchen Uber All Y'all GMBH the premiere custom leather manufactory
of Germany for $9.790.00? You have made a total mess of my automobile!
The Minister, having noticed the attorney's license plate condemned
with a loud voice, "You lawyers are so materialistic!" The attorney
replied, "What?" The Minister then said, "Look down at your arm." As
the attorney looked down at his arm he saw it had been ripped off at
the shoulder by the accident. He exclaimed with a will, "EGAD! Where is
my $28,000.00 Limited Edition 18 kt. Gold Jaeger LeCoultre Reverso
~ ~ ~
lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the
roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he
got out to investigate.
one man, "Why are you eating grass?" "We don't have any money
for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."
then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer
sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under
them along," the lawyer replied.
to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us also." The
second man, in a pitiful voice then said, "But sir, I also
have a wife and SIX children with me!"
them all, as well," the lawyer answered. They all entered the
car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the
Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer
and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of
us with you." The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll
really love my place; the grass is almost a foot high!"
~ ~ ~
A Rabbi, an Indian
Gentleman and the Lawyer
A Rabbi, a
Hindu and a lawyer were driving late at night in the country when their
out to find help, and came to a farmhouse. When they knocked at the
door, the farmer explained that he had only two beds, and one of the
three had to sleep in the barn with the animals.
quickly agreed. The Rabbi said he would sleep in the barn and let the
other two have the beds. Ten minutes after the Rabbi left, there was a
knock on the bedroom door. The Rabbi entered exclaiming "I can't sleep
in the barn; there is a pig in there. It's against my religion to sleep
in the same room with a pig!" The Hindu said HE would sleep in the
barn, as he had no religious problem with pigs. However, about five
minutes later, the Hindu burst through the bedroom door saying "There's
a COW in the barn! I can't sleep in the same room as a cow! It's
against my religion!"
lawyer, anxious to get to sleep, said he'd go to the barn, as he had no
problem sleeping with animals. In two minutes, the bedroom door burst
open and the pig and the cow entered...
An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St Peter checks his
dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer-you're in the wrong place."
So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty
soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell,
and starts designing and building improvements.
After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and
escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.
One day, God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer,
"So, how's it going down there in hell?" Satan replies, "Hey, things
are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and
escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come
up with next." God replies, "What? You've got an engineer? That's a
mistake... he should never have got down there; send him up here."
Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm
keeping him." God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue." Satan
laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU
going to get a lawyer?
~ ~ ~
S p a g h e t
attorney was having an affair with his secretary. Shortly afterwards,
she told him she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave
the secretary a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the
baby there. "But how will I let you know the baby is born?" He replied,
"Just send me a postcard and write "spaghetti" on the back. I'll take
care of the child's expenses." Not knowing what else to do, the
secretary took the money and flew to Italy.
months went by and then one day, the attorney's wife called him at the
office and explained, "Dear, you received a very strange postcard in
the mail today from Europe, and I don't understand what it means. "The
attorney said, "Just wait until I get home, and I will explain it to
that evening the attorney came home, read the postcard, and fell to the
floor with a heart attack. Paramedics rush! Rushed him to the ER. The
lead medic stayed back to comfort the wife. He asked what trauma had
caused her husband to have a cardiac arrest, so the wife picked up the
card and read: "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti - Two with
meatballs, two without."
~ ~ ~
A Heart Transplant
hospital administrator drove into his private parking place. As he got
out and approached the door he saw an entire surgical team in greens,
gloved and masked digging around in the flower bed with surgical
instruments. he approached them and inquired, "What are you doing?" An
assisting Surgeon related they were doing a heart transplant on a
Lawyer and they were looking for a stone the right size.
~ ~ ~
with a brain tumor was surprised when her doctor called her. and told
her of a new, experimental brain transplant procedure. When she met
with her doctor, he told her that she would require the transplant of
one pound of brain. The doctor then asked. "What type of brain do you
type?" the woman asked. "That makes a difference?" "Yes." replied the
doctor. "There is a substantial difference In price. For example,
one-pound of brain from a surgeon costs £12.000. while you can get
one-pound of brain from a nuclear physicist for £15.000. and so on. You
will gain some of the qualities associated with the profession of the
brain donor, so your choice can make a big difference."
you give me one-pound of brain from a lawyer? Ever since I was a little
girl I've dreamed of being a trial attorney."
Let's see. That's £250.000." the doctor replied. "You're kidding me I
That's outrageous." the woman gasped. "That's over forty times what a
surgeon's brain costs."
it is quite reasonable." the doctor replied. "Do you have any idea how
many lawyers it takes to produce a pound of brain?
~ ~ ~
A Blonde and a Lawyer...
A lawyer boarded an airplane
in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde stewardess
to take care of them for him.
She took the box and promised
to put it in the crew's refrigerator. He advised her that he was
holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning
in a very condescending manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to
lecture her about what would happen if she let them thaw out.
Needless to say, she was
annoyed by his behavior.
Shortly before landing in New
York, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin "Would the
gentleman who gave me the crabs in New Orleans please raise your hand?"
Not one hand went up ... so
she took them home and ate them.
Two lessons here:
1. Lawyers aren't as smart as
they think they are ....
2. Blondes aren't always as
dumb as most folks think
to everyone who sent in a "funny"
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four point five per cent of all statistics are made up ~ ~ Woody Allen