Men versus Women - Surely the Y Chromosome
is not the only reason why we are constantly at
war! - Some of the
differences between men and women
In Praise of the older ladies .
As I grow in age, I value
women over 50 most of all. Here are just a few reasons why:
A woman over 50 will never
wake you in the middle of the night and ask, 'What are you thinking?'
She doesn't care what you think.
If a woman over 50 doesn't
want to watch the game, she doesn't sit around whining about it. She
does something she wants to do, and it's usually more interesting.
Women over 50 are dignified.
They seldom have a screaming match with you at the opera or in the
middle of an expensive restaurant. Of course, if you deserve it, they
won't hesitate to shoot you if they think they can get away with it.
Older women are generous with
praise, often undeserved. They know what it's like to be unappreciated.
Women get psychic as they age.
You never have to confess your sins to a woman over 50.
Once you get past a wrinkle or
two, a woman over 50 is far sexier than her younger counterpart.
Older women are forthright and
honest.. They'll tell you right off if you are a jerk, if you are
acting like one. You don't ever have to wonder where you stand with her.
Yes, we praise women over 50
for a multitude of reasons. Unfortunately, it's not reciprocal. For
every stunning, smart, well-coiffed, hot woman over 50, there is a
bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some
22-year old waitress. Ladies, I apologize.
For all those men who say,
'Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free? Here's an update
for you. Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage...Why? Because
women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little
Seems God was just about done
creating the universe, had a couple of left-over things left in his bag
of creations, so he stopped by to visit Adam and Eve in the Garden.
He told the couple that one of
the things he had to give away was the ability to stand up and pee.
"It's a very handy thing," God told the couple who he found hanging
around under an apple tree. "I was wondering if either one of you
wanted that ability."
Adam popped a cork. Jumped up
and begged, "Oh, give that to me! I'd love to be able to do that! It
seems the sort of thing a Man should do. Oh please, oh please, oh
please, let me have that ability. I'd be so great! When I'm working in
the garden or naming the animals, I could just let it rip, I'd be so
cool. Oh please God let it be me who you give that gift to, let me
stand and pee, oh please.." On and on he went like an excited little
boy (who had to pee).
Eve just smiled and shook her
head at the display. She told God that if Adam really wanted it so
badly, and it sure seemed to be the sort of thing that would make him
happy, she really wouldn't mind if Adam were the one given the ability
to stand up and pee.
And so it was. And it
"Fine," God said, looking back
into his bag of left-over gifts.
"What's left here? Oh yes,
Nothing has ever changed
God said, 'Adam, I Want you to
do Something for Me.'
Adam said, 'Gladly, Lord, what
do You Want me to do?'
God said, 'Go down Into that
Adam said, 'What's a Valley?'
God explained it to Him. Then
God said, 'Cross the river.'
Adam said, 'What's a River?'
God explained that To him, and
then said, 'Go over to the hill....'
Adam said, 'What is a Hill?'
So, God explained to Adam what
a hill was.
He told Adam, 'On The other
side of the Hill you will find a Cave.'
Adam said, 'What's a Cave?'
After God explained, He said,
'In the cave You will find a woman.'
Adam said, 'What's a Woman?'
So God explained That to him, too.
Then, God said, 'I Want you to
Adam said, 'How do I do that?'
God first said (under His
And then, just like Everything
else, God Explained that to Adam, as well.
So, Adam goes down Into the
Across the river, and Over the
hill, into the Cave, and finds the Woman.
Then, in about five Minutes,
he was back.
God, His patience Wearing
thin, said Angrily, 'What is it Now?'
And Adam said....
(YOU'RE GOING TO LOVE
'What's a headache?'
Relationship Advice from a Man
I hope you can help me here. The other day, I set off for work in my
Volvo 1800 leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I
hadn't gone more than a mile down the road when my engine conked out
and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's
help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom
with the neighbor lady. I am 32, my husband is 34, and we have been
married for twelve years.
When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been
having an affair for the past six months. I told him to stop or I would
He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been
feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but
ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant.
He won't go to counseling and I'm afraid I can't get through to him
Can you please help?
Dear Sheila: An 1800 stalling
after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of
faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in
the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum lines and hoses on the
in- take manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these
approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is
faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburetor float chamber.
I hope this helps.
Why are wedding dresses white?
A son asked his mother the
' Mom , why are wedding dresses white?' The mother looks at her son and
'Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure.'
The son thanks his Mom and
goes off to double-check this with his father.
'Dad why are wedding dresses white?'
The father looks at his son in surprise and says,
'Son, all household appliances
come in White'
Words Women Use
(1) Fine: This is the word
women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut
(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour.
Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more
minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something,
and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing
usually end in fine.
(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!
(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verb al statement
often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an
idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing
with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)
(6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women
can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard
before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just
say you're welcome.
(8) Whatever: Is a women's way of saying F@!K YOU!
(9) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement,
meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several
times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man
asking "What's wrong?" For the woman's response refer to # 3.
This is the fairy tale that
should have been read to us when we were little:
in a land far away,
a beautiful, independent,
happened upon a frog
as she sat contemplating
on the shores of an unpolluted
in a verdant meadow near her
The frog hopped into the
princess' lap and said: '
Elegant Lady, I was once a
until an evil witch cast a
spell upon me.
One kiss from you, however,
and I will turn back into the dapper, young prince that I am
and then, my sweet, we can
and set up housekeeping in
with my mother,
where you can prepare my meals,
clean my clothes, bear my
and forever feel grateful and
happy doing so. '
as the princess dined
on lightly sauteed frog
seasoned in a white wine
and onion cream sauce,
she chuckled and thought to
I don't freakin
9 Words Women use
This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and
you need to shut up.
If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is
only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to
watch the game before helping around the house.
This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should
be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.
This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!
This is actually a word, but is a non-verb al statement often
misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and
wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you
about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)
This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man.
That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how
and when you will pay for your mistake.
A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say you're
Is a women's way of saying F@!K YOU!
about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning
this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but
is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking "What's
wrong?" For the woman's response refer to # 3.
* Send this to the men you
know, to warn them about arguments they can avoid if they remember the
* Send this to all the women
you know to give them a good laugh, cause they know it's true.
A man wakes up in hospital,
bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says "Ah, I see
you've regained consciousness. You probably won't remember, but you
were in a pile-up on the motorway. You're going to be OK, you'll walk
again, but something happened. I'm trying to break this gently but your
penis was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it." The
bloke groans a bit but the doctor goes on "But it's going to be
alright, we have the technology now to build you a new one that will
work as well as your old one did, better in fact. But the thing is, it
doesn't come cheap. It's a thousand pounds an inch". The bloke perks up
at this, even though it's a thousand pounds an inch. "So the thing is"
the doctor says, "it's for you to decide how many inches you want. But
it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had
a five inch one before and you decide to go for a nine incher she might
be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one before and you decide
only to invest in a five incher this time she might be disappointed. So
it's important that she plays a vital role in helping you make the
decision." So the bloke agrees to talk with his wife and the doctor
comes back the next day. "So" says the doctor "Have you spoken with
your wife?" "I have." says the fellow. And has she helped you in making
the decision?". "She has" says the bloke. "And what is it?" asks the
doctor. . .
"We're having a new kitchen".
Margie decided that the only
way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their 8 year old son in
the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a popsicle and
tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities.
He began his commentary as his
parents put their plan into operation. "There's a car being towed from
the parking lot" he shouted. A few moments passed. "An ambulance just
drove by". A few moments later, "Looks like the Anderson's have
company" he called out. "Matt's riding a new bike....."
"The Coopers are having sex!!"
Startled, Mother and Dad shot
up in bed!!! Dad cautiously asked, "How do you know they are having
sex??" "Jimmy Cooper is standing out on his balcony with a popsicle
Apple's new product
Apple Computers announced
today that it has developed a computer chip that can store and play
music in women's breast implants. The "iBoob" will cost between $250
and $300. Apple considers this to be a major breakthrough their
marketing division advised that women are always complaining about men
staring at their breasts and not listening to them.
Thanks to Apple, everyone is
The Smiths were unable to
conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their
family. On the day the proxy Father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his
wife goodbye and said,
"Well, I'm off now. The man
should be here soon."
Half an hour later, just by
chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell,
hoping to make a sale.
"Good morning, Madam", he
said, "I've come to..."
"Oh, no need to explain," Mrs.
Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've been expecting you."
"Have you really?" said the
photographer. "Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my
"Well that's what my husband
and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat".
After a moment she asked,
blushing, "Well, where do we start?"
"Leave everything to me. I
usually try two in the bath tub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple
on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really
spread out there."
"Bathtub, living room floor?
No wonder it didn't workout for Harry and me!"
"Well, Madam, none of us can
guarantee a good one every time.
But if we try several
different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure
you'll be pleased with the results."
"My, that's a lot!", gasped
"Madam, in my line of work a
man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes,
but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that."
"Don't I know it," said Mrs.
The photographer opened his
briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was
done on the top of a bus," he said.
"Oh, my God!" Mrs. Smith
exclaimed, grasping at her throat.
"And these twins turned out
exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to
"She was difficult?" asked
"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally
had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were
crowding around four and five deep to get a good look"
"Four and five deep?" said
Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.
"Yes", the photographer
replied. "and for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly
squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness
approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began
nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in."
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do
you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?"
"It's true, Madam, yes.. Well,
if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right
"Oh yes, Madam. I need to use
a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand
for very long."
Mrs. Smith fainted.
Qs & As
Q: Should I have a baby after
A: No, 35 children is enough.
Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes university.
Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's
A: So what's your question?
Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labour,
pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.
Q: When is the best time to get an epidural? A: Right after you find
Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while My wife
A: Not unless the word "divorce" means anything to you.
Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.
Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's nappy very quickly.
Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act
A: When the kids are in university.
10 WAYS TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE "OESTROGEN
1. Everyone around you has an
2. You're adding chocolate to your cheese omelette.
3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.
4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.
5. You're using your mobile phone to dial up every ;car sticker that
How's my driving-call 0800
6. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice.
7. Everyone seems to have just landed here from "outer space".
8 You can't believe they don't make a tampon bigger than Super Plus.
9 You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.
10. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday..
TOP TEN THINGS ONLY WOMEN
10. Cats' facial expressions.
9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colours.
8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds.
7. Fat clothes.
6 Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time.
5. The difference between beige, ecru, cream, off-white, and eggshell.
4. Cutting your hair to make it grow.
3. Eyelash curlers.
2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.
AND, the Number One thing only
women understand :
1. OTHER WOMEN
The Fishing Trip
Four married guys go fishing.
After an hour, the first guy says, "You have no idea what I had To do
to be able to come out fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife
that I will paint every room in the house next weekend."
The second guy says: "That is
nothing, I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for
the new pool." The third guy says: "Man, you both have it easy! I had
to promise my wife that I would remodel the kitchen for her." They
continue to fish when they realize that the fourth guy has not said a
So they asked him. "You
haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come
fishing this weekend. What's the deal?"
The fourth guy said: "I just
set my alarm for 5:30 am. When it went off, I shut off the alarm, gave
the wife a nudge and said, "Fishing or Sex" and she said, "Wear
Present for the better half-
This year for Valentines Day
I bought the missus a new bag and belt. She is pleased as Punch, the
Hoover now works a treat
Several men are in the locker
room of the rugby club. A mobile phone on a bench rings and a man
engages the hands free speaker function and begins to talk.
Everyone else in the rooms
stops to listen.
WOMAN: "Sweetheart, it's me. I can hardly hear you........are you at
WOMAN: "I'm at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat."
MAN: "OK..........go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2007
models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing.... The house I wanted last year
is back on the market. They're asking ,000."
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of ,000. They will
probably take it. If
not, we can go the extra 000. It's really a pretty good price."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!!"
MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him
in astonishment, mouths agape.
He smiles and asks, "Anyone
know whose phone this is?"
The teacher was explaining to
her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as
either masculine or feminine.
"House" for instance, is
feminine: "la casa."
"Pencil," however, is
A student asked, " What gender
is 'computer' ?" Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the
class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for
themselves whether "computer" should be a masculine or a feminine noun.
Each group was asked to give
four reasons for its recommend ation.
The men's group decided that
"computer" should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is
incomprehensible to everyone else;
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for
possible later retrieval; and
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending
half your paycheck on accessories for it.
(THIS GETS BETTER!)
The women's group, however,
concluded that computers should be Masculine ("el computador"),
1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they
ARE the problem; and
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a
little longer, you could have gotten a better model. The women won.
A GIRLS PRAYER
Lord, Before I lay me down to sleep, I pray for a
man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong,
One who’s willy's thick and long.
One who thinks before he speaks,
When promises to call, he won't wait weeks.
I pray that he is gainfully employed,
And when I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh, send me a man who will make love to my mind,
Knows just what to say, when I ask, "How big's my behind?"
One who'll make love till my body's a twitchin,
In the hall, the loo, the garden and the kitchen!
I pray that this man will love me no end,
And never attempt to shag my best friend.
And as I kneel and pray by my bed,
I look at the asshole you sent me instead. Amen
A BOYS PRAYER Lord, I
pray for a girl with nice tits. Amen
* "There are
three things men can do with women: love them, suffer for them, or turn
them into literature." -- Stephen Stills
* "Men are
like a deck of cards. You'll find the occasional king, but most are
jacks." -- Laura Swenson
* "You see a lot of smart guys
with dumb women but you hardly ever see a smart woman with a dumb guy."
-- Erica Jong
* "I've been on so many blind
dates, I should get a free dog." -- Wendy Liebman
* "When women are depressed
they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country." -- Elayne
* "Behind every successful man
is a surprised woman." -- Maryon Pearson
* "In politics, if you want
anything said, ask a man; if you want anything done, ask a woman." -- Margaret
* "I have yet to hear a man
ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career." -- Gloria
* "Some of us are becoming the
men we wanted to marry." -- Gloria Steinhem
* "I am a marvellous
housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house." --
Zsa Zsa Gabor
* "Woman was God's second
mistake." -- Friedrich Nietzsche
* "I'm not offended by all the
dumb blonde jokes because I know that I'm not dumb ... and I also know
that I'm not blonde." -- Dolly Parton
* "A woman may be able to
change the world, but she will never be able to change a man." -- Amy
* "What would men be without
women? Scarce, sir .. mighty scarce." -- Mark Twain
* "The male is a domestic
animal which, if treated with firmness and kindness, can be trained to
do most things." -- Jilly Cooper
* "I have never hated a man
enough to give his diamonds back." -- Zsa Zsa Gabor
Silly Sites: www.theonion.com
to everyone who sent in a "funny"
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The good people sleep much better at
night than the bad people. Of course, the bad people enjoy the waking
hours much more ~ ~ Woody Allen